Indictment of the Heart...

“The heart is deceitful above all things,
and desperately sick;
who can understand it?” - Jeremiah 17:9



You, oh heart of man, are a liar. I am stunned by your deceit and trickery. You tell me that you need only one additional thing to be satisfied. Then, when that thing is obtained the lie repeats. It’s an endless cycle of deception that feeds on and destroys the joy of life. I could give you silver and you'd want gold. I could give you gold and you'd want silver. I could give you both and you'd want love. If I were to travel the world and at last find for you love pure and true you would then demand more of all. You are a liar and the thief of satisfaction. You insist we travel dark woods, but never share your map. You are the priest that marries people to their jobs and the keeper of the idols that they bow before. You are the mother of the brute called insecurity, which lurks about impregnating the souls of men with worry and distrust. You are the gatekeeper to the house of bondage, softly beckoning all who wander by but fiercely fighting back those that try to leave. Many a night I have slept in cold regret because of your lies, while you rested in peace, your belly swollen with my former joys. You are a hoard of locust on the fields of contentment. Once vibrant with lush greens and windswept grasses, they now lay desolate and bare. Beauty untold turns sour in your clutch. You distort what is satisfying and make it to look dull through the dark lens of comparison. You are the bridegroom of selfishness and want, causing a blind eye toward starving children and garages already too full. You are the warlord and commander of obsessions guiding them like well-fired arrows. Even stout, young men drop helplessly when struck and go no further in their quest for glory. You inject the poison of apathy and hide the cure in full sight but out of reach. Enemies may slay, but you constrict. The breath of joy is slowly choked, yet lifeless life remains. However, deceitful heart of mine, do you not feel the dripping blood of grace upon you? Did you think yourself the only strong contender? The lies are wearing thin oh heart… the lies are wearing thin…

He Loves Thee Too Little...

This is a journal entry I found from May 4, 2006. Just thought I would throw it up here for all to ponder.

“He loves Thee too little who loves

anything together with Thee which he

loves not for thy dear sake” - Augustine

And if one commits this treason, who is at loss? Certainly not God, for He cannot be mocked. (Gal. 6:7) Man is at loss. O what a paradox… If one does not seek God simply for the sake of God he will wither. If he simply seeks God for “anything together with Thee,” he will dry up and (spiritually) die. I have tasted of this bitter truth. If I seek God for the end purpose of anything other than Himself and his glory and His name’s sake than I will find neither God nor the other thing. But O how He is willing to throw open the floodgates of blessing to those who “seek first His kingdom and His righteousness!” (Matthew 6:33) “He is a rewarder of those who seek Him.” (Heb. 11:6) He is not a rewarder of those who seek rewards, for they “have received their reward in full.” (Matthew 6:2, 6:5, 6:16) “Delight… in the law of the LORD, and… [you] will be like a tree firmly planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in its season and its leaf does not wither” (Psalm 1:2-3)

If you desire something seek not that thing, seek God. Do not seek God in addition to this thing, but seek God alone! “Delight yourself in the LORD and He will give you the desires of your heart.” (Psalm 37:4) Do not delight in the desires; delight in God! Delight in the desire will not give the desire, for it says that “delight in God” is what brings about the desire of one’s heart. Go to Him to get what your heart longs for. If you go anywhere else to get it you will not be doing what is required to get the desires of your heart and thus your “hope deferred makes the heart sick.” (Proverbs 13:12) Rather, “fix [your] hope on… God, who richly supplies us with all things to enjoy.” (1 Tim 6:17)

O the beauty! O the joy to be had! Can it be true?! “Delight” and you will be given your desires? But what of hard work and good deeds? What about laboring to enjoy the fruits of it? Certainly we must work hard and be disciplined to get our desires, right? Or was that the fatal flaw of the man in Luke 12:16-21? He wanted a safe and comfortable retirement so he labored diligently and saved up until he earned his desires and could live to reap the benefits. Little did the fool know that his life would be demanded of him before the commencement of his pleasures. If only his hope was set on God, safety and comfort would have been his all along. He could have said along with David that “I will not be afraid of ten thousands of people who set themselves against me,” (Psalm 3:6) and “Your rod and your staff, they comfort me.” (Psalm 23:4)

Seek the fleeting pleasures of full grain silos, or honor and power, or any seeming comfort, and hard labor accompanied by undesired death will be your closest companions. Rather lay down your earthly tools and “cease striving and know that I am God…” (Psalm 46:10) Stop laboring in the fields of deeds and simply “delight in the LORD.” Is it not astounding that the greatest commandment, the foremost duty is simply to love God? Love Him, cherish Him, and adore Him. Don’t seek [worldly] pleasure, they’re suicide! (Suicide to your complete and lasting joy that’s found only in the presence of The Almighty) Seek Him and He will give you real pleasures. Put Isaac on the alter of sacrifice, for that’s the only way you may get him back.

Stop loving only gifts. Moreover, love the gift giver. If your heart is set only on the gifts, than in time they will stop coming. Instead, let your heart forsake the gifts for the sake of setting it upon the giver of them. Then the giver Himself shall be a stream of water to you, the tree. God is ready to give, make no mistake of that, “for your father has been pleased to give you the kingdom,” (Luke 12:32) and “He who did not spare His own son… will… graciously give us all things.” (Rom. 8:32) However, to the one who has set his heart on the things of this world and the grain silos, and girls, and money, and security, “[that] one who does not have, even what he does have shall be taken away.” (Matthew 25:29)

The Excellency of a Broken Heart

Tears cried upon their shoulders are the battle scars reserved for the men of men. I do also want to see the ones upon the flesh. I am interested in courage and in bravery and wars fought with sinew and guts, but if a man has no tender and breakable heart I wish not to see him upon my battlefields. For the battles we face are “not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places.” (Eph. 6:12) They are against the ripped and bleeding hearts of abused women and the pain of children who have no parents. Our battles are against the ravages of divorce and the wounds of daddies who never told their little boys they were real men. They are against the hollowness of heart left by the veneer of American prosperity. We fight the demons of shattered dreams and contentment that never came.

The men whom I wish to be counted among have had their season on the road of tears and been adorned with sackcloth and ashes for themselves as well as those they hold dear. They could deliver a deathblow but would rather take one for a friend. I am not a pacifist, but how am I to respect a man that has never held a broken heart in his hands and tried to mend it? Can a man load a rifle? That is good; I wish to learn from him. Can a man weep with those who weep? That is better; I aspire to remain at the feet of such a man until I my heart bleeds as his does.

(Credit to John Bunyan, a great man of God who suffered much in his life, for the title of this blog entry. I don't deserve to use it, but it seemed quite appropriate.)

Made for Another World

This is a couple of C.S. Lewis quotes from The Weight of Glory and Mere Christianity melded together...

"A man’s physical hunger does not prove that that man will get any bread; he may die of starvation on a raft in the Atlantic. But surely a man’s hunger does prove that he comes of a race which repairs its body by eating and that he inhabits a world where eatable substances exist. A man may love a woman and not win her; but it would be very odd if the phenomenon called “falling in love” occurred in a sexless world. If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world."

Thoughts on Introspection and Self-Absorption

Introspection: Contemplation of one's own thoughts, feelings, and sensations.
Self-absorption: Preoccupation with oneself or one's own affairs.

It is good to know yourself. It is very good to know yourself, especially on multiple levels. My aim is not to have anyone stop knowing them self. Rather, my aim is to question and try to find where the good ends and where the devastation begins, both for myself and for anyone who reads this. Then, to use that knowledge for what knowledge ought to be used for, practical living. I want to know myself to the edge of good without crossing the line into emotional injury.

It is NOT good NOT to know yourself because in time you will end up getting hurt in some fashion. You will take on more responsibilities than you can handle, you will study the subjects in college that you actually hate and change your major four times (that finger is pointed at me), you will choose to get into a relationship that ends with “what was I thinking?” If you don’t know yourself how do you know what you should order for lunch? It is also good to know yourself for the sake of the future. For instance… “I know that if I hang out with those guys I will be persuaded to jump off of something big and hurt myself. Thus I will not hang out with those guys because broken arms hurt.” Beyond this obvious observation, there is also beauty in one’s personality. When people enjoy getting to know you its proof that there is something pleasurable about you that you can explore and discover (bear with me, I’m not flattering anyone or neglecting sin nature). If people don’t enjoy getting to know you, than the beauty of knowing yourself is that you can explore what people don’t like about you, (i.e. you’re a jerk) and weigh that to see if its something worth changing. However, further into the mind there lies a world of self-knowledge where pride, self-idolatry, self-hatred, second guesses, self-consciousness, and inexplicable, uncontrolled thoughts roam like dogs without leashes.

I have found that when my mind is fixed mainly on the issues in my own life, there comes about a shift towards perpetual self-focus with an inability to express to others how I feel. Slowly, with every lingering self-thought, there becomes a desire to talk about my “problems” with no satisfaction in such discussions. Self-absorption brings about a state of misery similar to lust, which cannot be fed enough. Self-pity or pity from anyone else will taste very good but will only engorge this misery and darken the path that leads out of the cave I wandered into. In time, left passively alone, it will mutate into “a deranging inability to know anymore who I am.” What went wrong? How did I slide so far? How do I get out of something so self-perpetuating?

My thoughts on introspection and self-absorption begin with sin and the complete view of the self. As I have said it is good to know yourself, and I mean all of the self. You have to know your weaknesses as well as the your strengths. Why? Well, ever pick up something too big and hurt yourself? Know your limits and where you can be pushed. You have to see the ugly and the beautiful. Unfortunately, though, there is no beauty; there is no beauty in sin nature that is. I’m not assaulting the characteristics of personality that we all find warm and inviting, but rather the nature of our being. “There is none who does good, there is not even one.” (Romans 3:10-12) At the time of Noah “The LORD saw how great man's wickedness on the earth had become, and that every inclination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil all the time.” (Genesis 6:5) Paul notes “nothing good lives in [us]…” (Romans 7:18) Even the most gentle spirited, elderly, librarian woman has inside of her a wicked heart seeping with dark thoughts. To top it off Jeremiah 17 speak directly to the heart’s condition stating that “the heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure…”

So as not to contradict my initial statement, (it is a good thing to know oneself) and for the sake of biblical balance, it is also important to note that Proverbs 4:23 warns to guard your heart “for it is the wellspring of life.” Additionally, Psalm 4:4 gives what I consider to be biblical mandate for introspection by telling us to “search [our] hearts and be silent.” Dark as we are, the bible tells us to search ourselves. Knowing how black your heart is not a bad thing. John Piper stresses that not only is it good to know our sin, but that there is “a great self-destruction that comes from not experiencing the self-devastation of knowing our sin. There is an eternal loss that comes from not losing our pride in the knowledge of our sin.”

If it is true that our hearts are seeping with blackness and as Paul says “nothing good dwells in [us],” (Romans 7:18) what should we expect when we open the pages of our hearts and mull over what we find inside? Is it hard to guess what will be revealed when the gaze of my soul looks upon a wicked creature lusting for evil perpetually?

All that being said, I have found that I ought to be reflective and know myself; it is right to search my heart and be silent. I want to explore the depths of me to see what this inner man is really like, but in doing so, there is a need to beware of the trap of self-absorption disguised as introspection that may seem good and even noble. What begins as a “searching introspection for the sake of holiness, and humility,” without careful guidance can quickly become at best self-idolatry, and at times a “carnival of mirrors in your soul.” (Piper)

To go beyond the text and draw my own inferences from “it is better to give than to receive,” I believe that the idea here is that forgetting the self and concerning the mind with another is better, or more pleasing. We all know this; we’ve all felt it. The little boy is always excited to bring home the picture he drew in art class for his mom. I venture to say that even beyond this simple example the truth holds, and the soul is more satisfied when it looks away from itself and sees “the furs and the rabbits, the streams and the trout, the fur trees and the squirrels, the primroses and the violets, the farmyard, the new mown hay, and the fragrant hops.” (Spurgeon)

The idea behind this blog entry is simply “Don’t become so introspective, so self-absorbed, that you can’t see the sun rise, or you can’t see a squirrel between classes, or you can’t see a gnarled, old, dark tree with no leaves on it and wonder how could it ever live again?” Everything beautiful in this universe is a parable of God. All natural beauty is an echo of the God that created it (Piper); let it floor your craving and longing for beauty so that when you stop looking in the mirror and open the Word you there find that craving satisfied. While it is always good to know yourself, it is always better to know Christ.

One last thought: “…Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.” (Philippians 4:8) Notice that the self is not included on that list?

Ordained to the Ministry - My Experience with Psalm 42:5.

In a John Piper message recently I heard one of his points on “How to Fight for Joy” So simple; so profound. “Learn to preach to yourself rather than listen to yourself” …and the chains fell off. Oh the freedom! In that short sentence Piper placed upon my shoulders the ephod of a self-preacher. He placed before me an ever-present audience upon which I can lavish the soul-dividing Truths that turn Sauls in the Pauls. I am a preacher to myself! No longer condemned to the fate of hearing myself all day, I am now ordained to the ministry of me. “Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him…” (Psalm 42:5) This is a biblical warrant to speak to my own soul! Granted, obedience isn’t gained from tough self-determination, and preaching to yourself will only bring condemnation if attempting works apart from faith, but don’t miss the beauty that the sword of the Spirit is part of the armor adorning us so we can answer back at apathy, guilt, temptation, confusion, fatigue, and hopelessness. “I beat my body and make it my slave…” (1 Corinthians 9:27)

When I wake up in the morning and my thoughts go to the lonely corners of useless thought, I can open the bible and tell words to my inner man. Left to unbridled wanderings my thoughts are scattered and boring. I am trapped inside myself with myself. It’s no mystery that the natural inclinations in the thoughts of man are to complain, harbor evil feelings, lust or however depravity takes form in a particular person. Without a preacher bringing the Word of God to this pitiable soul the self is ensnared in itself. Problems, questions, complaints, and demands all come from the rampant thoughts of innermost me. How am I to “be transformed by the renewal of [my] mind” (Romans 12:2) with that going on? How shall I “take every thought captive to obey Christ?” (2 Corinthians 10:5) My mind needs a perpetual preacher… that’s why I’m thankful for Psalm 42:5 and the biblical warrant for self preaching.

My Winter Adventure and the Arrogance of Man

7,500 vertical feet in 12.6 miles. Overnight stay at timberline in subzero temperatures. 26 total miles for a winter adventure to remember! I was going to the top of Pikes Peak and back... Solo (all by myself). It was supposed to be the ultimate in manly winter adventures. I had been preparing for this trip for about a week and finally all the preparations were done. The alarm clock goes off a little while after 3 am. It's just me and the mountain. The trailhead was eerie with only a faint glow from the city below and the heavens above. I could hear the enormity of the wind as it muscled through the valley near the trail. The hills and mountains in front of me were absolutely sinister. No turning back though, too much planning, too much effort. Swallowing my fears I started off into the dark at 4:15 am with my huge pack and headlamp. I wasn’t to make it all the way. I turned around a little over three miles in after meeting my match and seeing some things in a new light.

The first four miles of the trail are a pretty steep climb so it doesn’t take long to get above the city and into real wilderness territory. It was still in the predawn hours when I looked East to see the city snuggled into it’s warm self, comforted by it’s power plants and police force. I was jealous of its safety compared to my danger but wouldn’t admit it since I had put myself in this situation. Here I was alone in the wilderness, exposed. No safety net here. I was in mountain lion territory in the freezing darkness with ice, snow, and rocks surrounding me. I realized that I had long since abandoned all reasonable safety and was entirely exposed. Despite my layers of clothing I felt naked. As I overlooked the city where just hours before I slept so soundly, thinking that I was safe, I saw the arrogance of man in light of the fierceness of the wilderness. The city stretched for miles and miles, but in the end, its glory couldn’t overcome the terror of the backwoods that I now found myself in.

The city wasn’t that big from my perspective. In contrast the mountains and wilderness were on a scale that swallowed and spit back out the toughest of men. The woods are scary. When you are out there in the predawn hours the wind isn’t pleasant, but instead it's eerie, haunting you to the core. Storms kill people when they are out in the wilderness. (note: ask Justin about his lightning experience, or Brian about the guy on Long’s Peak) People get lost and never come home. Avalanches consume proud adventurers and rocks fall with power we can’t match; the dangers are countless. As a guy I want to conquer these things and the fear that comes with them. However, as right as I think that feeling is, I cannot fail to give to the wilderness the respect it commands.

I have been trying to paint the picture for you of what I felt that morning, but the best thing to do is go sit in the woods at night by yourself for a long time. That will give you a perspective of what a terrifying place we live in and how arrogant man is to build cities and think that he is safe. A beach umbrella doesn’t conquer the sun. A roof has not beaten the storm. You are not conquering Mother Nature, you are barely surviving! Where would you be, proud man, without your gas powered heat and warm bed? As I looked out from my fearful position in the trees on Pike’s Peak Barr Trail I felt the truth of the verse “For you say, I am rich, I have prospered, and I need nothing, not realizing that you are wretched, pitiable, poor, blind, and naked.” (Revelation 3:17) The city did not rest peacefully that night because of it’s doing, but because of the mercy of God. “In peace I will both lie down and sleep; for you alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety.” (Psalm 4:8) It isn’t four-wheel drive or layers of sheetrock and siding that keep us from disaster, but the sovereign hand of the Almighty. That predawn morning I saw the arrogance of myself and the city of Colorado Springs who would both, without a doubt, cower before the waves of the ocean if they came upon us, and yet had disregard for the one who calms the raging sea. “Woe to those who go down to Egypt for help, who rely on horses, who trust in the multitude of their chariots and in the great strength of their horsemen, but do not look to the Holy One of Israel, or seek help from the LORD.” (Isaiah 31:1) As I hiked I kept praying that God would keep me safe… a prayer that I have never pray behind a locked door in my warm bed. How arrogant.